


Huh, They Said “Hard”

by Island_of_Reil



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Dick Jokes, Double Entendre, Gen, Humor, Immaturity, Rewrite of Canon Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 20:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3908950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Island_of_Reil/pseuds/Island_of_Reil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Hajime Isayama might have written the second scene in chapter 53 if he weren’t such a big damn troll.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Huh, They Said “Hard”

**Author's Note:**

> I played with the dialogue a little. Also, in canon Armin isn’t in the bedroom during this scene, but I stuck him in there because I don’t think he belonged out in the hallway with the class clowns.

“You have bits of potato peel on your shirt,” Jean said to Sasha as they and Connie headed down the narrow hallway between the cabin’s kitchen and its back door. “Suits you, though.”

She punched him in the shoulder. “Shut up, Jean.”

He shoved her sideways in return. As she staggered she bumped into Connie, who bumped into the wall. “Hey!” Connie shouted.

“Ssh!” Sasha hissed. “Eren’s still asleep!”

“Eh,” Jean said quietly. “A herd of titans wouldn’t wake him up at this point unless he was good and ready to w— hang on, I think I might have to eat my own words there.”

They all stopped just outside the bedroom Eren was sharing with Armin, the door of which was cracked open about a centimeter. There was the sound of a washcloth being wrung in water, and then Squad Leader Hanji’s unduly cheerful voice rang out: “Looks like Mikasa won’t be dicing me up after all.”

“For now,” Connie said in a low tone. Jean’s mouth twitched as he peered into the room with one eye. Mikasa, as hot as she was, scared him sometimes. But he didn’t blame her for freaking out at Hanji yesterday. At this point he thought Hanji might actually scare him more than Mikasa did.

“Is everyone else in there?” Sasha whispered. Jean gave a small nod. The others had gathered around Eren’s bed earlier to keep an eye on him; Jean, Sasha, and Connie had been tasked with making dinner and tending to the horses in the meantime. The horses were groomed and fed now, and the stewpot on the boil. Still, Jean wasn’t sure how welcome the three of them would be in Eren’s and Armin’s room at the moment. Especially with that look on Captain Levi’s face, which made his usual expression look positively warm and friendly.

“So,” Eren said suddenly. “Did I get hard?”

Connie’s quiet cough didn’t fool either Sasha, who clapped a hand over her mouth, or Jean, who bit his lower lip with a vengeance. When Jean had regained control of himself he turned around and glared at Connie, who gave him a butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-my-mouth smile.

“Unfortunately,” Hanji answered Eren, “we found out you can’t get hard in this experiment.”

Jean smirked broadly. “Suicidal _and_ flaccid,” he whispered, pleased to hear Connie choke behind him. Payback. He watched them all stare at Eren for a few seconds before Eren asked with an uncharacteristic lack of spirit: “So I can’t get hard? Nothing?” Jean bit his lip again, then bit it harder as Connie and Sasha snickered.

“Yeah,” Hanji said, and went into a recap of the experiments. Jean impatiently nodded along and waved his hand in the air of the hallway for the next few minutes until she said, “You were writing something along the lines of, ‘I don’t know how to get hard.’”

This time Connie gave a long snort almost loud enough for everyone in the bedroom to hear. When Jean turned around to give him the stink-eye, Connie grinned at him and pantomimed something long and stiff suddenly flopping over. Jean scrunched up his face and leaned on the wall. “Fuck you, man,” he gasped quietly. Sasha had her face buried in her hands; her shoulders were heaving.

By the time the three of them calmed down, Hanji had finished talking. There was a moment of quiet inside the bedroom, and then Eren said, “So… we can’t take back Wall Maria yet. And all because I can’t manage to get hard.”

As Connie and Sasha started to lose their composures again, Jean hissed, “And, _boy,_ does Mikasa look unhappy about that.” From behind her hands, Sasha began to make sounds like a pigeon being strangled. “So does Armin, for that matter,” Jean added.

“What, you surprised at either of them?” Connie said. Sasha’s pigeon noises got higher-pitched.

“Not really,” Jean admitted. His smirk was starting to make his facial muscles ache.

“That’s right,” Captain Levi was replying to Eren. “We were all disappointed. Thanks to you, the atmosphere in this cabin today is shittier than a gutter.”

“Maaaaan,” Jean whispered over Levi’s next words. “You’re an even bigger dick than Eren is, Captain.”

“No shit,” Sasha muttered.

“Eren tried his best!” Mikasa protested to Levi.

“Yeah, so? What difference does it make if he tried? Eren’s not big enough to fill that hole.”

Connie let out a bark of laughter. As every face in the bedroom turned toward the door, Jean swore under his breath. He gulped and backed away as he saw Levi, suddenly poker-faced again, stand up from the edge of Eren’s bed and walk toward the door. When the captain pushed it wide open, Connie was finishing his slide of incoherent mirth down the hallway wall and Sasha was stamping her feet while making gurgling sounds. Both of them had their eyes closed.

“What the _fuck_ are you laughing at?!” Eren shouted from the bed.

Connie’s and Sasha’s eyes flew open, taking in the scene immediately as Connie leapt to his feet: their dangerously silent superior officer, Eren back in his usual choleric state, Mikasa looking nearly as angry, Historia’s face blank with startlement, Armin with a somewhat more calculated blankness to his expression, and Hanji seeming to be fighting a smile. Connie and Sasha thumped their fists over their hearts. Jean followed suit, glad that he, at least, hadn’t been caught laughing as well.

“For fuck’s sake, Eren,” Levi said without looking back toward him. “How dumb _are_ you that you have to ask? You’ve only been sitting in here for the last ten minutes talking about how you can’t get hard.” Eren turned brick-red. Mikasa pulled her scarf up over the lower half of her face. “Apparently,” Levi continued, glaring at Sasha and Connie, “ _some_ of us are immature enough to find this hilarious, regardless of the shitty circumstances it leaves us in.” 

“Sorry, Captain,” Sasha and Connie muttered in sloppy unison. 

“Well…” Armin began hesitantly. When everybody looked at him, he flushed a little and said, “Captain, Eren, I’m sorry, but… it _is_ kinda funny.”

 _“Armin!”_ Eren exclaimed. Mikasa tugged the scarf up a little higher.

Levi pivoted to glare at Armin. Before he could speak, Hanji said, “Well, Levi, he’s right. Is the Survey Corps’ number one teller of number two jokes going to argue the point?”

Levi glared at Hanji instead of Armin. She grinned at him in return, displaying large, square teeth. Jean thought of titans for a second. The corner of Historia’s mouth seemed to twitch, though maybe Jean was imagining it.

Finally Levi rolled his eyes and turned back toward the hallway. “I take it dinner’s done for now. And the horses are taken care of.”

“Yes, sir,” Jean, Sasha, and Connie said in perfect unison.

“Then the three of you can get back into the kitchen and get started setting the table and cleaning up whatever you can at this point. You’ll be doing all the dishes later on, too.”

“Yes, _sir!_ ” the three of them exclaimed, nearly tripping over their own feet as they retreated down the hallway.

“Good job, genius, getting us all in trouble like that,” Jean snarled at Connie as they came back into the kitchen, well out of earshot from Eren’s and Armin’s room.

“Yeah, because you totally weren’t making jokes and laughing along with us,” Sasha hissed.

“Shut up, Potato Girl.”

Sasha punched him in the shoulder, the same spot as before. “No, _you_ shut up… Horseface.”

Jean shoved Sasha, Sasha fell against Connie, and Connie banged into the kitchen wall with a loud “HEY!”


End file.
